Why do we need to talk about needs? What do couples argue about?

What do couples argue about?

Some people sometimes ask therapists what couples argue about most often? What are the leading topics of their disputes? Are there any recurring themes in reports sent to a psychologist at a marriage clinic? Of course, we can mention issues of involvement in household duties and family matters, loyalty to one’s spouse/partner (in relationships with one’s family of origin or other people outside the family), issues of (under)estimating each other, ways of communication (often hurtful, etc.)

Psychologist for couples

However, if a psychologist could really draw such universal conclusions about the causes of arguments in couples, some training or workshop would probably be enough and couples therapy in Krakow or other cities would not be needed. Therefore, during the session, the psychologist investigates together with the couple what lies deeper beneath these general issues in order to get to the real cause and minimize it.

Synapsa marriage counseling in Krakow is visited by couples who are in various types of crises, which they have not been able to solve on their own due to increasing quarrels. After looking at the descriptions of specific disputes in a given relationship, one can come to the conclusion that partners do not express their needs in a constructive way, and often do not even know them themselves. The need for order or careful communication is in fact still the surface layer, under which there are real needs such as: the need to be important, seen, welcomed, accepted, the need for closeness. But again, these are generalities that do not provide any answers, because participants in couples therapy say that these needs are met by the other person, so they do not understand why the partner feels hurt.

What can we ask a couples psychologist?

In such situations, the key questions in marriage counseling are: what is the behavior or message that makes each person feel important to their loved one? It can be compared to a culinary question: what dish do you like the most? It often happens that both parties serve each other meals that they consider the other party’s favorite. This, in turn, results from the fact that they have never talked about these preferences before and even… that neither person has ever really wondered what dish they like the most. It also happens that partners do not have the courage to talk about their needs to their partner, fearing the reaction. This is where a lot of frustration comes from. Therefore, in such situations, a visit to a marriage/couples counselor can and often is helpful. Sometimes it is easier to untangle tangles of misunderstandings and unnamed matters with this third person, a psychologist, in a safe space created for this purpose.